THE
BLAME GAME
I want to invite everyone to share in my excitement and tune
into my new radio show, Sunday nights on KMOX. This is a show
that works with your help and participation through call-ins
and emails. Tell your friends that there is a hip, new show
in town and that answers to their relationship dilemmas are
just a phone call away. Start sending those e-mails to be
answered on-air to
relationshipcoach@yahoo.com.
Tune in from 8pm to 10pm on 1120am or listen live at
KMOX.com.
To find out more about me or my services, then I invite
you to take a look at my website: www.christinekniffen.com.
It includes suggested readings and past articles, as well
as audio clips pertaining to the many nuances of love.
THE BLAME GAME
With Christine Kniffen, LCSW, Therapist & Relationship
Coach
Have you ever been in a relationship where the blame game
seems to permeate everything? It is something that I see
operating in full force with many of the individuals that
come into my office for marriage and couples counseling.
Each one is blaming the other for their unhappiness and
each one feels that they are definitely on the side of right.
It’s not as if anyone is making this up. Rather, each
person feels strongly that they are right and the other
person is wrong. However, as they equally feel this about
each other, a great power struggle ensues and the relationship
has grounded to a complete halt with no real potential for
growth. And, as a wise therapist told me years ago, if a
relationship can’t grow then it can’t last.
The blame game is very detrimental to both your relationships
and your personal growth as well. It creates a great power
struggle in the relationship, it prevents you from perfecting
one of the most fundamental relationship skills known as
compromise and it stunts your own growth as blaming another
allows you to shirk personal responsibility and accountability
for your own happiness.
I like to refer to The Great Mexican Standoff when working
with couples. I am speaking of the classic power struggle
that can happen in a relationship. Since neither person
is doing a good job of validating their partner’s
feelings, each one is holding on tighter to their position
and sense of righteousness to the point of complete paralysis
in the relationship. They even go so far as to blame each
other for their particular behaviors. When I try to call
anyone on a non-productive behavior, in terms of relating
or communicating, they attempt to justify its acceptability
by becoming defensive and declaring that the other person
does it too. There in lies the loop and the endless circular
motion of the blame game. In this paralyzed loop, relationship
growth is not possible. Worse yet, the wounding begins and
can become almost insurmountable if left unattended for
too long of a stretch. This is how people who once loved
each other get to the point that they can’t stand
each other. These couples suffer because they have never
learned the fundamental relationship skill known as compromise.
You have heard me hammer on the concept of compromise over
and over. It is not possible to have a healthy, fulfilling
relationship without its presence. Again and again, people
struggle with this concept as it pertains to relationships.
“I’m not going to compromise who I am”,
becomes an emotionally charged, declarative statement from
individuals that have put up with bad behavior from partners
in past relationships. So, now we are going to have a power
struggle over compromise. If you are not dating yourself,
you will need to learn to compromise in a relationship.
No, you don’t have to compromise on things that are
adamantly opposed to your personal value system. You can’t
be in a relationship with someone who chronically lies if
you are about truth and honesty. But, if you make your feelings
on the matter known and nothing changes, then it is you
that needs to walk. Don’t’ spend years blaming
this other person for your unhappiness over his or her lying.
This is exactly how people use the blame game, often unwittingly,
to avoid taking personal responsibility and accountability
for their own happiness and ultimate destiny as a whole.
If you get into a habit of participating in the blame game
in your relationships then you are stunting your personal
growth as well as that of the relationship. Blaming someone
else abdicates you of personal responsibility for creating
the life that you say you want. You have heard the old cliché
that says “the only thing that gets in your way is
you”. If you find your relationship stuck in the blame
game you may require professional help to stop the cycle.
If your partner will not participate then you may just have
to move on, as the relationship cannot grow and neither
can you. Stop blaming others for not having the life you
want. Take the necessary steps to become more self-aware.
Nobody is getting in your way but you. Therapy is designed
to help with just that issue. One of the main things we
do is to help people reach their own potential. Self-awareness,
through insight and reflection, is the only path to achieving
that goal. It starts with stopping the blame game and stopping
the patterns that are keeping you stuck. Great things in
life don’t just drop down from the sky. You have to
go out and make them happen. Stopping the blame game is
the first step to getting you started down the right path
to manifest your ultimate destiny.
Christine Kniffen, LCSW is a Therapist and Relationship
Coach. For a free consultation call 314-374-8396.
