There is much talk these days about manifesting your dreams through the “Law of Attraction”, plenty of books to read on how to have your ideal life and endless CD’s to help you meditate to that place. I personally think that all of these are valuable venues to put forth positive energy and help you push yourself out of your own way. After all, I do believe that the only thing between you and your dreams is you. Getting out of your own way means learning to state a firm and resounding “no” to something that will not meet your needs. So, while all of the above tools are helpful, you need to proceed to your big life through the door of no. When it comes to getting the relationship you so crave you must stop wasting time in relationships that can’t meet your needs. I strongly believe that until you can master walking through the door of no, and leaving things that aren’t working, then and only then have you properly freed up your energy to go forth and design your life in your terms of success. In order to be able to walk through the door of no you have to begin to practice developing your faith in life, learn to tolerate the fear of the unknown and begin to start setting firm boundaries for yourself seeing that you respect them.

I have talked before about faith. I am referring to a belief that something can be so, without any proof to back that up. Many people have lost their faith in the idea of having a good solid relationship. This has usually been backed up with bad experiences or having thus far experienced a seemingly endless stream of relationships that were headed nowhere. So, I’m not questioning the logic of you feeling that way. However, I’m asking you to be willing to set that aside and work to restore your faith by putting action into place rather than listening to mere words. You have heard the saying “Fake it until you make it.” Well, that is just where you need to start. You need to learn to trust that a great relationship will not just happen. It will only come on the other side of having learned to say no, and then actually experiencing walking away from something that you know in your heart will not make you happy. This is the faith part I am talking about. You have to begin to trust that this is true even though you have no proof. You proof will only come once you have crossed the threshold of the door of no.

Being able to tolerate the fear of the unknown is an adult life skill that we all need to master. With respect to relationships, it is this very problem that keeps us in hopeless marriages and unhappy relationships. We fear that we may never find another relationship. We fear that we may find something far worse. We fear that everyone will hate us and stop talking to us if we leave. This fear creates a great paralysis and is the very reason that we stay stuck in our relationships, our unsatisfying jobs and all the other areas of life where we are missing out on forward progress. There is only one way to master the fear of the unknown and that is to put yourself out into the unknown. Once we realize that the world didn’t come to an end and that we still have our home and job, we can start to become de-sensitized to this gripping fear. It would be nice if we had the faith prior to the walk, but is the act of walking that helps develop the faith that everything will work out. And, as you develop this faith it becomes easier and easier to set the necessary boundaries to get what we want.

The boundaries we set with other people are in essence boundaries that we are setting for ourselves. They most often pertain to what we will and won’t tolerate. We won’t put up with the dog going to the bathroom inside the house. We won’t put up with someone driving their car over our garden. We have no problem setting those obvious boundaries. So, why do people struggle so much with setting personal boundaries that pertain to how we let others treat us and ultimately waste so much time in relationships that are going nowhere? We do this because we lack the faith that something good is coming around the bend. We want the guarantee in order to stand up for ourselves. If promised you that a fantastic relationship was waiting in the wings, if the current one did not last, you would much more easily be able to set appropriate boundaries and say, “this needs to change or I am out of here”. That guarantee would give you the confidence and rise in self-esteem to listen to your instincts and make the right choice. But, we don’t get the guarantee in life. We simply have to learn to hold our head up high and keep moving forward in search of what we desire. That is how one gets to experience greater and greater heights in love and intimacy, career or anything else. And, if you do find you have to set the appropriate boundaries and move on, there is no need waste your time viewing it as a failed relationship. Instead you need to spend some time reflecting on what it was you were supposed to learn so you don’t repeat that same scenario. We are all learning and gathering in order to gain great clarity on what we need to be happy and recognize the person who can ultimately meet those needs. Learning to set good boundaries for ourselves and leave when it is not working not only demonstrates great self-care, but sends you on your journey through the door of no. Learn to walk across the threshold and the world will begin to reward you with sweet surprises just waiting on the other side.