Vulnerability is to intimacy as water is to fish. You can’t have one without the other. Vulnerability equals risk. Risk is scary because there is no guarantee that relationships will last or turn out to be what we imagine. Matters of the heart are highly emotional and can produce quite a bit of pain and discomfort. Risk is what is necessary to push through the fear rather than letting it paralyze your designs for a successful life. Therefore, one must push oneself to be vulnerable (risk) in order to gain ever-increasing levels of intimacy. Vulnerability is what feeds relationships so they continue to grow rather than wither and die.

I have referred many times to the two arenas of intimacy. These are the communication arena and the sexual arena. While both arenas afford their own unique opportunity for varying types of vulnerability, the real “glue” of the relationship occurs in the communication arena. This is where the real emotional vulnerability takes place. The idea of letting another know you completely feels both risky and scary in the context of a romantic situation. Many of us find fault within ourselves. In actuality, many of us are almost brutal with the negative self-talk in which we engage. Our negative self-perceptions, often far worse in thought than actuality, are not exactly something that we are particularly eager to divulge to someone with whom we are romantically attracted. Why, because this requires “opening up” and exposing ourselves to another. The fear and anxiety that this exposure produces can at times feel overwhelming and we tend to retreat in order to protect ourselves. This is fairly normal for individuals to feel this way. It only becomes problematic if one does not consciously make an effort to push through the fear and remain present.

Fear and discomfort do not kill you. They are simply unpleasant feelings. The absence of fear is never the goal. The goal is to tolerate the fear, eventually accept its presence in your life, and push on despite. Do not make the mistake of designing a life void of fear and uncomfortable situations. If you do you will cease to grow and will miss out on the bountiful rewards on the other side of that fear. Fear accompanies the unknown. If you have not had any unknown for a while then you could be guilty of complete and total stagnation. All success in life involves coping with fear and pushing through its grip. That is called growth. Growth can seem painful at times, but there is often something very rewarding at the other end of the struggle.

In relationships we need to push ourselves to admit our flaws, fears, insecurities, or other items with which we often associate shame. The beauty of vulnerability is that we open up and let this garbage out. We can free ourselves of this self-imposed noose. This is the real prize of intimate romantic relationships. When we allow ourselves to dip into the pool of intimacy we find that there exits a direct, proportional relationship between our ability to be vulnerable and the degree of healing that takes place. However, this is only experienced if we can muster up the courage to reap this reward. The choice is yours, as are all choices in life. Take advantage of the healing opportunities that are only magnified in the context of safe and respectful romantic relationship.

Christine Kniffen, LCSW is a Relationship Coach and Therapist. For a free consultation call 314-374-8396 or e-mail her at Relationshipcoach@yahoo.com.